e shtunë, 16 qershor 2007

Alcoholism - it's funny!

This video was on the "promotional videos" section of the front page of YouTube and it looked like it could be mildly amusing (and also contain some great comments). Personally I've never been a huge Halo fan, I've preferred to stick my nerdiness into different areas, but I suppose I can see the appeal of shooting your buddies in the face (in a way). Here's the video in question, but it needs to be taken with some context, as it is a parody of a leaked video of David Hasselhoff doing the same thing. (If you haven't seen the Hasselhoff video you can view it here)

The humor in the video is admittedly in bad taste, making fun of a man at his lowest point in life, his daughter begging him to stop drinking while he tries to stuff a Wendy's burger into his mouth lying on the floor...but then again it is Hasselhoff, so that makes it okay to laugh at, right?

Oh well, on to the best part, the comments!

PAINTBALLOWNAGE42 -
"are you goin to stop
yes
do you promise
NO!!!
HE SOUNDED LIKE NAPOLEON DYNAMITE"
Just the username cracks me up, all caps - making the proclamation to the world that paintball is in fact, ownage. I really hope 42 is his age and that this is the email address he uses for business related exchanges. I can see it now. -

"John Smith" PAINTBALLOWNAGE42@bigcorp.com says: "Hey Bill, I finished typing those TPS reports, think I could get some extra time off this weekend?"

Thugpatrol -
"if you ppl knew what this was about then it would be a 5 star vid.

and yes, by "you ppl" i mean black folk"
Thanks Thugpatrol, for clarifying what you meant by "you ppl." I can really take your argument seriously when you can't even find the time to type out people, and instead have to be racist using internet shorthand.

In response to Thugpatrol's comment one would think we should have an outraged citizen at the blatant racism displayed. Instead, we have this gem from Shotgunmage - "I agree. Too many noobs are here."
I love the fact that Shotgunmage is so l33t, to him, "black folks" are equivalent to noobs. Though one would think such a l33t Mage would not need a shotgun, being able to fire magic out of his fingertips.

godsbane63 - "why doesnt he jus take the shotgun on the floor and blast the women thats nagging at him's head off?!"
Naturally this is the correct solution to the problem, though unfortunately for godsbane63 he got the weapon type wrong.

In response: GSantiago16 - "Battle Rifle* u stupid azz b!tch"
GSantiago16 sees absolutely nothing wrong with blasting an innocent woman's head off, though he does see a problem with godsbane63 referring to what is OBVIOUSLY a "Battle Rifle*" - though I suppose the problem isn't quite big enough to actually use the word bitch, instead opting for the less offensive b!tch.

In response: godsbane63 - "its so fuzy i can hardly see u ass sucker! and all i did was make a small mistake u dun hav to curse me u horse fucker!"
godsbane63 has no qualms with swearing however (I suppose as the bane of god you can swear all you want), and makes this clear in his eloquent response to GSantiago16's calling him out on his false identification of weaponry. I wasn't quite sure how one could fit both "ass sucker" and "horse fucker" into the same comment, but somehow godsbane63 manages. (They do rhyme quite nicely, maybe he should start writing poetry!)

DarkNinja1223 - "this is.........fucktarded it totally beats retardation."
I would love to have DarkNinja1223 over for coffee (though he probably only drinks Mountain Dew® XTREME!!!) and ask him to explain to me in minute detail the differences between fucktardation and retardation. Where are the borders? When does a retarded video become fucktarded? I have a feeling that ratio of things fucktarded to retarded increases exponentially when you have a name like DarkNinja1223. XTREME!

Meowmewo - "lol u guys know that this is a copy of david hasslehoff right? but its funny"
Meowmewo wants to make sure everyone is as observant as he is, because the similarities between this video and the Hasselhoff video were definitely not what made it funny. Oh wait, they were what made it funny? Thanks Mewomewo! I never would have figured it out on my own!

RAJYS - "hummm i love this video is very virtual......"
RAJYS seems to have forgotten that when you lack punctuation in a sentence you can't make up for it all at the end. I can't quite figure out what he's saying, but obviously he is thinking hard about it. I'd like to think he's saying something profound, as if a video that is virtual is full of virtue...though more likely he forgot to wipe the drool off his chin and hit return after falling asleep on the keyboard.

RichieLivingston - "Those graphics look real."
If we weren't on YouTube I would be willing to accept this comment as a joke, though unfortunately we are, and Mr. Livingston here just happens to be part of idiots. His world would be shattered if we were to tell him that those graphics were a guy in a suit, like when you tell a small child the easter bunny is just a man in a suit.

99931221 - "f u go insult haslehoff or someone else fags, mc is my fav character"
This is my absolute favorite comment of the bunch. Just look at it. I'm surprised 99931221 can even type a coherent thought, as he is completely unable to grasp the concept of a parody.

So remember, don't fuckin' insult Master Chief, or his Mountain Dew® drinking buddies will call you fags and come kick your ass XTREME hard!

e enjte, 14 qershor 2007

This Ain't A Scene, It's A Stupid Comment GOLDMINE!

I have always thought that Fall Out Boy was musically retarded. Logically, it would make a lot of sense that their fan base is, well... also retarded. As you might expect, their videos are rife with pure comedic gold. I'm not even going to begin to criticize the video itself, for that would require another blog. Anyway, without further adieu, we're going down, dooooooooooown... cock it and pull it... you get the idea...

happygirl9 sure doesn't waste any time in sharing her sexy sentiments:
....♥SeXy♥..♥SeXy♥
...♥SeXy♥...♥SeXy♥
.♥SeXy♥.......♥SeXy♥
...♥SeXy.♥.....♥SeXy♥
......♥SeXy♥
...........♥SeXy♥
♥SeXy♥......♥SeXy♥
.♥SeXy♥.......♥SeXy♥
...♥SeXy♥...♥SeXy♥
.........♥SeXy♥

I'm not really sure if that's supposed to be an "S" or something, but I'll give her have a "C+" for effort.

WWEKitty professes her (his?) FOB love: "im in love with this vid! fall out boy r amazin and hilarious" You is, too, Kitty. You is too.

For the observant racist in all of us, Jhung908 makes a decidedly astute comment: "wow alot of black people in this video" (A lot = two words. Am I right?)

If he hadn't made up his mind already, I think Jesus will be 100% sure of where he's putting jesushasaplace4me when he reads this charming bit of prose: "fuck fall out fucking boy, fuck all this new shit, what happened to weezer and the get up kids? not thats good emo music if i ever did catagorise it." (In case you didn't guess it, it's hell, or "the lake of fire" or "Tukwila, WA.")

It would seem that xoxoalways isn't as caring as the name might suggest: "Wow, shitty ass pop music. I really hope all the members die because I hate each and everyone of them with great intensity." Yeesh.

natho1988's gives the thread an inappropriate erotic twist. Also, I suspect that there might be a slight problem with her (again, his?) caps lock key, among other things: "AndY cAn StuF My PaNtiEs aNy Day!!"

Some of the more inventive spam we've seen comes from DemonWulf357, who is clearly some sort of creative writing major:
"In 1945, a young girl named katu lata kulu came over to America in a grey boat from Africa. A mysterious man killed her by cutting the word "LATUALATUKA" into her back. now that you have read this message, she will come to your house on a full moon and steal your soul unless you follow these directions:

1. Retype this message as a comment for 3 other videos"
I'll be safe, though. I just bought one of those Kryptonite soul-locks. I hear they're indestructible. Much better than the old cable locks. Also, I like how "these directions" actually turn out to be just one direction.

gaahinaluv4ever
nobly defends FOB's legitimacy on the basis of Petey's god damned hottness: "fuck no you didn't just dis fall out boy! petey god damn hott!"

This next commenter really left me in "stiches!" I mean, I can really see where stichbuster is coming from. With his exquisite taste and overt homophobia, how can I do anything but heed his recommendations?: "this band sucks dick, and all u faggots should listen to Korn, SOAD, Slayer, Pantera, Metallica, Slipknot."

xxPrincessArlenexx
and I share the same affliction: "Hey wel um i waz told by a m8 2 listen 2 dis song coz it was mena b gd.. WTF! i totalli h8 it tis da most annoyin song iv evah heard n da lyrics are absolutely rubbish dey were gd at da start yea but nw OMG still cant get dat annoyin tune outta moi head !!"

And finally, he the award for best idiotic comment for this Fall Out Boy edition of TDD goes to SafetyQueen3, who not only manages to embarrass herself without the use of abbreviation, but also spells the name of an iconic company incorrectly: "When I First Heared This Song I thought The Beat Sounded Like A Coak Cermershial" I Like Mai Coak With A Littel Lemin In It.

Tonight I'm going to have to disagree with YouTube's inviting motto and say this: for our sake, don't broadcast yourself. Well... nevermind. Please do. Then we will never ever run out of hilarious content for this blog. Goooooooooooodnight.

e hënë, 11 qershor 2007

Laughing Rats • Geeky Spats • Cretinous Prats: An In-Depth Analysis

Recently I've noticed that YouTube often has a fair amount of relatively compelling content on the front page. I was snooping around earlier this evening when I stumbled upon a run of comments that can only be categorized as anomalous. What I saw here was a delicate thread of intellectual content that some courageous scientists had woven into youtube's trademark dull-witted tapestry of comments. Immediately I realized that this discovery called for an examination of a very elite circle of commenters that seem to be outliers on the utterly depressing youtube IQ scatter plot. Without fail, youtube's frequenters were characteristically unfazed in the presence of such erudite content and still managed to give us good show. Of course to preface this, you'll need to see the ridiculous video which inspired the whole bloody thing:

Without further delay, our friend reillyroowho begins the thread with a modest postulation: "Did it ever occur to them that the noises could be stress noises? Nobody laughs when they are tickled if they don't know what tickling is. Have you ever tried tickling a baby? They don't laugh until they understand the social aspect of it."

One month later our first commenter is greeted by a fiery retort from one Mr. gerlingantler: "reillyroowho you are a fucking idiot. This guy is a fucking neuroscientist"

These are pretty big words for a youtube thread already, but I started to think to myself, "Ok, maybe these guys aren't complete idiots. They have displayed some cognitive capability, made some conclusions based on observation and have gotten riled up and opinionated. This could really be O.K." Sadly, I was mistaken. It became clear that these initial commenters were in over their heads with bigmclargehuge880909 's reply: "2 things, just because someone is a neuroscientist does not mean that he has a good degree. second have you ever heard of lloyd morgan's cannon? because this is anthropomorphizing"

I see three critical errors in this statement. While it does display some rudimentary knowledge of something he/she might have picked up in high school biology, he fails miserably in other respects. First of all, I think bigmclargehuge880909 fails to realize that most individuals in a niche field like neuroscience likely get some sort of "good degree" from a university that is at least accredited. I'd imagine their studies wouldn't carry the same credibility if they were flossing a doctorate in neuroscience from the University of Phoenix. Secondly, Lloyd Morgan's Canon (sometimes referred to as Morgan's Canon) was a study of animal cognition. Lloyd Morgan's cannon, on the other hand, was used to fire alarmingly precise salvos of rats into his neighbor's chimney. It's most evident that bigmclargehuge880909 is in way over his/her head when he drops the word "anthropomorphizing" as nonchalantly as if it were third period French. Way to go, crapbag.

While these are not the dumbest commenters on youtube by any stretch, they set the tone for the inevitable downward spiral of this thread. Failing to realize that you can actually reply to specific comments, our buddy badasseric puts his foot down with a series of drunken rebuttals that would make Bill O'Reilly proud: "Reilly your wrong, I can tickle my babby sister and she laughs I see a smile on her face and she starts to giggle."

Notice the use of the word "babby" and improper use of "your." Solid.

Moving on, this badass dude proceeds to cement his argument: "And what you say is stress becuse of tough playing is also wrong, how do you think animals play? You don't see animals sitting there playing chesss."

Ooh, I think reillyroowho is going to need some ice for that burn. Wait though, it gets better: "How an animal plays is fliping, biteing, being loud and obnoxios, and looking around/exploring. I notice this in my pets, its not fighting. Fighting is more like snaping, growling , staying away frome the enemy, and the other animal getting hurt witch changes to wineing. The rat would have bit his hand, punctured it, held on, and pulled if it was stress"

Judging by his vivid descriptions we can only imagine that badasseric has witnessed some BADASS animal battles. From the sage-like tone of experience in his words, I might even assume that he's had a few rat-inflicted puncture wounds.

Things take a slightly more serious turn when the ever SandStormCataclysm points out the political implications of the clip: "Wow. They spent years of their lives trying to figure out if rats could laugh. That's fine and dandy but that better not be fuded by the tax payers of that country. Think of it, " Your tax money is used to find out if rats could laugh instead of making the school system better." "

Tocinator manages to set him straight, though, by reminding us all that the tax dollars are really going to fuel the limited skirmishes in Middle America between the racist, corn-farming community and anyone with an IQ over room temperature: "Your tax money is being used to kill people in middle west instead of making the school system better.. science is progress, war is totally unnecessary."

Duh, SandStormCataclysm...

After wading through heaps of inane bickering, the salvation of this thread is found in the words of CodiLovesRats and stayingup2late who both appear to be some sort of rat brain maniacs:

CodiLovesRats says, "...They were making 50khz vocalizations - the same vocalizations they make when they play with each other. They make 22kHz vocalizations when they are upset. They make 30Khz vocalizations to call their mothers. Please do not answer questions with such authority if you are not doing your dissertation on such things."

I'm not sure why such intelligent people are wasting their time arguing over chortling vermin in the youtube arena, but perhaps it was a need for vindication they are clearly not receiving in the legitimate science community by fondling rats all day long. Despite the decisively cerebral air the thread had taken on, this did not deter the usual suspects who you might typically find commenting on the finer points of the latest Paul Wall video. Certainly they wouldn't disappoint us by not chipping in their two doltish cents:

Clearly delighted and left craving more rat-tickling action, teecomb writes: "nonononononono...so good!"

Finding inspiration in this heartwarming feel-good youtube video of the year, vermin enthusiast DiddleySquatt expresses his newfound desire to get a couple of his own to grope: "Fascinating. As a rat lover and future rat owner, I watched this with great interest and appreciation. Thanks."

And finally a desperate cry for help from bluntednz, a soul suffering through a ratless existence reminds to cherish our pink-tailed companions: "I MISS MY RAT!!!!"

Always bear in mind that your days of carefree, laughter-filled rat-tickling are numbered, so make sure to caress them every chance you get. And with that I leave you with perhaps the most conclusive evidence of the deep emotional capacity of each and every rat on this planet.

http://splinterismeditating.ytmnd.com/


Lol, neuroscience. Pwnt.

The Great Unwashed

After years of study, scientists have finally come to the conclusion that the comments on YouTube - especially regarding popular music - are in fact, the dumbest comments ever made by mankind (and by scientists I mean myself and my colleague, of course).

This blog will be dedicated to the collection and republication of the dumbest comments on YouTube videos gathered here in one spot for your enjoyment. Please feel free to email me if you find any other gems that need to be submitted.

For now, let's start with the comments on R. Kelly's "I'm a Flirt" featuring T-Pain and TI.

Admittedly, making fun of the comments on this video is like shooting fish in a barrel...but for a first post we have to give you a great example of the horrid idiocy that is YouTube.


cuterdanu - "i extremely luv dis sng iz my fav sng eva" While I wouldn't agree with cuterdanu's statement of him/her(/it?) actually being cuter than me (though it is quite hard to argue with someone who asserts their cuteness in their username...) their statement gives us pure comedic gold to work with. I dare you to try to pronounce this "sentence" out loud without vowels! Not to mention work into your everyday language that you "extremely" love (luv?) something. Just like, "Hey man! I extremely love that t-shirt you've got on! Where'd you get it?"

sexibeki - "Luvinn Itt Shit Gd Baybeez Beckii x"
Poor sexibeki has a rare (well, not so rare on YouTube) disease that involves her being unable to lift her fingers off a key before it adds one extra unnecessary consonant. Beki, while we do know that you are sexi, we would luvinn itt to see you learn how to type.

DaMNgiRRRl - "r kelly iz ugly but his voice iis gr8!"
God, I'm not even sure how to respond. I mean...just...DaMNgiRRl! I'm not quite sure if her name is to be read in a "Damn, Girl! You are hot!" or "Damn Girl! Why are you always eating all the Doritos®!" I suppose we should forgive her for calling R. Kelly ugly - I mean someone finds him attractive enough to let him PISS ON THEIR FACE.

Cesana - "Almaraz how bout u shut your fuckiung mouth and stop hatin on r kelly t-pain and ti thay shit on your pis fuk head"
Cesana fires back at all the "haters" referring to the R. Kelly sex tape in the comments section. Personally, I feel they have a legitimate reason to be "hatin' on" Mr. Kelly (see bold text above [in case you didn't get that, he enjoys peeing on people]). Cesana on the other hand, believes that R. Kelly, T-Pain and TI deserve defecate upon your urine if you insult them (I think?). While I can't say much about R. Kelly's bathroom habits (he seems to think young women are toilets), I would like to think that T-Pain and TI don't "shit on your pis" as a form of punishment and just use the good old fashioned ass-kicking of yesteryear.

...though I could be mistaken and Cesana, in all his intellectual glory, could just be stringing together random misspelled expletives and think that he is insulting someone.

brittany821 - "haha ima flirt wen the guys hawt! lol then i jus makout with him! lol jk"
Oh boy, brittany821, you are going to end up losing your V-Card in the back of some sweaty dude's lowered Honda Civic, the spikes of his over-gelled hair crunching against the cheap carpeted ceiling, your face aglow in the blue LED-lit speedometer he has mounted to the dash (but never bothered to hook up because he's not quite sure how), crying softly because you "weren't ready." LOL JK!

50+ instances of (or a variant) - "its kinda scary at first but it really works!! paste this message into 3 comments and press ALT F4 and your crushes name will appear on the screen!!! its soo wierd!" Man, a true spark of genius arises among the filth. In case you don't know - machines running Windows close the current window when the keystroke alt+f4 is pressed. The person who thought of this joke to play on the great unwashed of YouTube is probably thinking, "I got you good you fucker!" (as they definitely have the same mindset as the character Farva from Super Troopers). I wonder if we could trick YouTubers into posting this comment three times, then punching themselves in the face! Your crush's name will appear in the bruise! "its soo wierd!"

Feel smarter?